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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

It is hard enough finding motivation to write.  So it is really frustrating when I want to write and cannot come up with a topic.  That said, here are some random thoughts buzzing around in my head.

Who decided the current toilet paper roll dimensions? Was there some sort of committee?  I’m not complaining, they did an excellent job, I’m just curious as to how it all came about.

The original Smurfs, there were 100 of them and only three are women. Makes you wonder what goes on in those mushroom shaped houses.

In the chilrdens’ rhyme “This Little Piggy” You know, the one usually counted out on an infant’s toes?   The rhyme starts out ‘This little piggy went to market’.  Only recently I learned that first piggy did not go shopping!  I’m still trying to ‘process’.

Elves, can we come to some sort of agreement?  Are they beautiful mystical creatures that strive for a peaceful way of life but when pushed become fearsome protective warriors?  Or are they pudgy little bumbling toy and cookie makers?  Seems the closest we can all agree on is they have pointy ears.

I am 52 years old, I have been listening to Meatloaf for the majority of my life.  I’ve finally figured out what all three things are in Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.  Yes, sometimes I am a little slow.

Speaking of Lyrics:

“And she was blinded by the light, oh cut loose like a deuce another runner in the night….”

I am settling this for once and for all.  In New Jersey, the home town of Bruce Springsteen ‘Cut loose like a deuce’ refers to a break up.  So she broke up with her boyfriend and ran home.  I understand that the lyrics were changed by another,  to revved up like a deuce, so everyone thought the lyrics referred to the Ford Deuce Coupe. By everyone I’m referring to the 0.2 percent of the listening population who understood the lyrics unlike the rest of us who thought he was calling somebody a douche.

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“In 1340 the black death arrived on the shores of Italy and quickly spread across Europe.  By the time the plague was done a third of the world population was dead. when somebody would show symptoms of having the dreaded disease they were ushered into a room in the house and locked in, nobody ever left those rooms alive. It is believed that the souls in those rooms attached their spirits to the keys that locked them in.  A great many of these keys still exist, obviously this is one”

At least that is what I told the ladies in the antique store as the skeleton key I was buying rolled over in the open palm of my outstretched hand.

haunted key photo (003)

My wife and I were wandering through an antique mall just before it was closing.  In the back of the store I found a bunch of skeleton keys less than five dollars each.  One of my favorite effects from my magic days is a little something called the, Haunted Key.  A skeleton key is laid across my palm and all on its own it slowly turns as if it is in a lock.  It is an incredibly haunting effect that always gets a great response. The effect does not work with any skeleton key so once you know the secret you just have to keep trying them until you find one that does.  I always buy the keys when I find them because I am always losing them.

When we walked up to the cash there was one other customer in the shop.  I handed the cashier my prize. My wife pipes up,  “Aren’t you going to show them why you are buying that key?”  The cashier fell right in and said, “Yes, why are you buying this key?”

“Because it is haunted” I said offhandedly. Both the cashier and the other woman froze.  “I’ll show you” I took the key laid it on my palm and we all watched as the key ever so slowly turned in my hand.  After the very loud momentarily silence that followed the cashier asked, “Do all keys do that?”

“No, only the haunted ones”

“I want to test my keys at home, can you show me how you held it?”

I repeated the effect and again both watched intently.  “Are you serious? Is it really haunted?”

I didn’t even get a chance to reply as the other customer did that for me.  She said, “I think he is very serious” at which point I couldn’t help myself.  I had to bring home the effect and opened my mouth,

“In 1340 the black death landed on the shores….”

Both women bought the story hook line and sinker.   On the drive home I said to my wife, “I probably should have told them I am a magician and it was a trick”

“No” my wife instantly responded, “It is not your job, they can believe what they wish” and we laughed all the way home.

In 1974 my father opened up Perfect Magic.  42 years later that shop still exits both brick and mortar and on the web with my parents at the helm.  Why not pay them a visit at PerfectMagic.com and if you want the Haunted Key which they still carry, tell them Brian sent you.

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I know this is a question that has been burning deep within us all. Why did the dinosaurs leave Europe? As you all know, over 200 million years ago some of the dinosaurs packed up and migrated from Europe. A few points of interest here. 1. They moved after Pangaea (The earths super continent) broke apart . 2 Immigration laws were just as lax then as they are now. 3. Scientists know they migrated because of Facebook. No my wonderful but silly followers the dinosaurs did not document every single aspect of their lives by posting on Facebook, their fingers were far too clumsy to type. Instead scientists used Network theory, the same process used to track and study internet data like how we connect and move through Facebook. Because I value the readers of this blog I went to all the trouble to look up network theory so I could explain it to you. Unfortunately it requires a lot of words and graphs and all sorts of stuff.  I got rather sleepy after the first few words. So if you really want to know about network theory I suggest google, and please feel free to post your findings in the comment section below.

You may be wondering why I’m discussing this? You are not alone as I often wonder why I talk about certain things. Actually what caught my attention was the more specific question of, How did they cross the great waters? After all the super continent had broken up and I doubt T-Rex would have taken a boat even with an all you can eat buffet, I just don’t see it.  And air travel is out, their carry on would never fit in that little compartment above the seat.  If you have not traveled by air as of late, let me tell you the airlines have become very picky about that sort of thing.

The answers are two fold. 1. Land bridges of course. The second was more interesting. One scientist decided that they swam across the great waters. And how did he come up with this scientific theory? Through great research? No? Through fossil evidence? No, he surmised that elephants can swim, therefore dinosaurs should have been able to swim. Makes perfect scientific sense to me.

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I saw a YouTube video featuring dogs catching treats in slow motion. What makes it hysterical is most of the dogs could not catch. If you have a few minutes after you finish reading and commenting on this blog I recommend you head over to YouTube and type in the search bar “Dogs Catching Treats In Slow Motion’.

While watching television my wife threw a piece of popcorn to Quinn. Quinn is the most food driven dog I have ever come across. He watched it sail through the air and land on the ground he nosed it around, ate it and came looking for more with Clary on his heels. Denyce threw another piece which bounced off of Quinn’s nose. Clary’s response was the same. The popcorn would bounce off her head and hit the floor where she would scoop it up. Quinn to his credit started to “catch” on. A more pieces and he was bobbing his head and running around with his mouth open hoping this mana from heaven would fall into his mouth. Clary seemed to stick with the “bounce it off the face” method.

We suddenly heard an odd sucking noise which seemed to be coming from Clary. I tossed another piece of popcorn. It sailed threw the air bopped her on the nose and in the next second she opened her wet drooley mouth (which was indeed the source of the sucking sound) in an attempt to catch the popcorn which was already on the floor.

Persistence pays off. Most of the time their timing is so bad it brings us to fits of laughter, but now, weeks and several sessions later they sometimes manage to snag a little something out of the air especially if we aim at their mouths.

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One Regret

The day was hot and overcast. I was sitting in the car outside the grocery store while my lovely wife Denyce ran in to grab a few items. Coming out of the grocery store I noticed a young man of about 18 yrs of age. What peeked my interest was his pants which were secured around his thighs. I was thankful he was wearing boxers. I could not look away it was like watching an accident about to happen. He gathered his four or five bags from the cart and started to walk to the parking lot he made it about 5 steps. I watched as he settled his bags around his feet and pulled up his pants with care, not all the way up just high enough to fit snuggly under his butt, he lifted his sunglasses off his nose, presumably to look for his car. Dropping his glasses back onto his nose he re-gathered his bags and started off in the direction he was looking. The young lad took about a dozen more steps. Stopped settled his bags around his feet and once again hitched up his pants, this time adjusting the belt making them tighter against his thighs. I guess it is okay for him to expose his crotch and butt but God forbid anyone sees his knees! As he gathered his bags and once again set out on his journey I am really regretting I didn’t honk my horn as he passed in front of the car.

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I’ve been thinking about fire departments for awhile.  Here in the small towns of Pennsylvania most are local volunteer departments all sporting the name of ‘Alpha Fire’ something.  Watching television I noticed every station was also an ‘Alpha’ something which got me to thinking.  Is there a beta fire company?  Maybe the beta guys have to test all the new equipment and like everything these days the new stuff has bugs so it fails and the firefighters don’t last long.  Perhaps that is a secret that the fire administration people don’t want us to know about and that’s why we don’t hear about the beta fire company.  It’s only logical that if there is an alpha then there has to be a beta.  What about delta, is there a delta fire company?  Maybe if you have a small fire, say a toaster fire you can call 911 emergency and explain that you have a little fire so you don’t need the quickness and efficiency of alpha co.  Just send in the epsilon team.  There is no rush it’s just a toaster fire.  They can finish up their coffee, the scrabble game then if they are so inclined they can walk down the stairs, (I imagine only alpha and beta get fire poles) and mosey on over with the ole’ fashion truck and bucket brigade to deal with my toaster fire.  It’s all good.

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A Visit

So the parental units came a visiting from Montreal. They were waiting for us in the hotel lobby when we got off work. We shook hands hugged and kissed and agreed that we all looked wonderful. Then we had to ask the big question, where to go for dinner! While this may seem trivial in most families it is a serious issue in mine. We decided that we would take the conversation up to the hotel room because it was just too big of a decision to make sitting in the lobby.

And then the fun began.

The four of us, my mother, father, wife and myself packed ourselves into the tiny elevator to make the journey to the third floor. Before the elevator doors closed my mother looks at my father, “Phil, you left my purse in the lobby!” She runs out of the elevator while my father tries to hold the doors open leaving my wife and I wondering when it became my fathers job to keep track of my mothers purse.

Finally we are all in the elevator with all our belongings, the doors shut, my wife and I on one side, my father and mother on the other. My father at the controls. We engage in the usual chatter about the drive up the unusual amount of rain and just as I’m thinking that we are in a very slow elevator my wife says to my dad, “did ya happen to push the button?” We all had a good laugh and my father sheepishly pushed the button and like magic the elevator began to rise.

My mother looks at me and says, “I smell a blog coming” I looked at the floor, chuckled and as I looked down it struck me, my father and I were wearing the exact same shoes.

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